GAO Discovers Secret Underground Department That’s Been Submitting Budget Requests Since 1982
April 11, 2025 Washington D.C.
In a discovery that has left officials stunned, embarrassed, and mildly impressed, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) has confirmed the existence of a fully staffed, fully funded federal department that has been operating entirely underground — both literally and bureaucratically — for over four decades.
The agency, officially listed in legacy systems as “Department of Contingent Preparedness and Obsolete Technologies” (DC-POT), has been operating out of a forgotten sub-basement beneath the Department of the Interior, surviving off automatic funding increases tied to inflation and “routine appropriations line creep.”
The department was uncovered during a routine GAO audit of duplicate printer toner expenditures, which led investigators to an old freight elevator with a faded sign reading simply: “In Case of Emergency or Fiscal Year Transition.”
“At first we thought it was a janitor's breakroom,” said GAO inspector Haley Yu. “Then we saw the door labeled ‘Deputy Assistant Secretary of Pneumatic Planning’ and we knew we were in deep.”
• “Microwave Diplomacy in the Event of Appliance Uprising”
• “Protocol for Disputes Between Analog and Digital Clocks”
• A 1987 document titled “Responding to Viral Fax Chain Letters: A National Framework”
When auditors entered the department, they found 27 career employees hard at work — still filing paperwork using typewriters and using “carbon paper routing memos,” despite not having internet access since 1998.
“We’ve been submitting budget justifications every year,” said Acting Director Carl Nibbins, who assumed his role after the previous director retired in 2003 and simply handed him a hat labeled ‘AUTHORITY.’ “No one’s ever questioned it. Honestly, we thought we were part of a simulation.” Remarkably, the department has received an average annual budget of $5.6 million, much of which was spent on maintenance of a pneumatic tube system that was never connected to anything and several decades’ worth of canned goods “in case of mainframe collapse.”
Because of its ambiguous status, the department was never audited, never reassigned, and never digitized — surviving in a bureaucratic blind spot thanks to:
• Outdated payroll systems
• An HR system that flagged their employees as “retired in advance”
• A single fax machine that auto-responded with “CONFIRMED” to every funding inquiry since 1994
“This is the most efficient misuse of federal money I’ve ever seen,” said Senator Marcia Lusk (D-IL). “They literally did nothing and still filled out forms on time. We can work with this.” “We’re not even mad,” added Rep. Troy Dillard (R-FL). “Frankly, I’m thinking about proposing a new department just to study how they survived. DC-POT deserves a Netflix series.” An emergency session of the House Oversight Committee has been scheduled under the title: “Wait… Who Approved This?”
As of press time, DC-POT staff are still working, still faxing, and have requested only one thing: a functioning water cooler.
“We’re just glad someone noticed,” said Acting Director Nibbins, before turning back to his typewriter and quietly muttering, “Back to work, I guess.”
The agency, officially listed in legacy systems as “Department of Contingent Preparedness and Obsolete Technologies” (DC-POT), has been operating out of a forgotten sub-basement beneath the Department of the Interior, surviving off automatic funding increases tied to inflation and “routine appropriations line creep.”
The department was uncovered during a routine GAO audit of duplicate printer toner expenditures, which led investigators to an old freight elevator with a faded sign reading simply: “In Case of Emergency or Fiscal Year Transition.”
“At first we thought it was a janitor's breakroom,” said GAO inspector Haley Yu. “Then we saw the door labeled ‘Deputy Assistant Secretary of Pneumatic Planning’ and we knew we were in deep.”
What Does the Department Do?
According to internal documents, DC-POT was created in 1982 as a Cold War contingency bureau tasked with developing policy frameworks for technological emergencies that had not yet been invented. Examples of their archived projects include:• “Microwave Diplomacy in the Event of Appliance Uprising”
• “Protocol for Disputes Between Analog and Digital Clocks”
• A 1987 document titled “Responding to Viral Fax Chain Letters: A National Framework”
When auditors entered the department, they found 27 career employees hard at work — still filing paperwork using typewriters and using “carbon paper routing memos,” despite not having internet access since 1998.
“We’ve been submitting budget justifications every year,” said Acting Director Carl Nibbins, who assumed his role after the previous director retired in 2003 and simply handed him a hat labeled ‘AUTHORITY.’ “No one’s ever questioned it. Honestly, we thought we were part of a simulation.” Remarkably, the department has received an average annual budget of $5.6 million, much of which was spent on maintenance of a pneumatic tube system that was never connected to anything and several decades’ worth of canned goods “in case of mainframe collapse.”
How Did This Happen?
According to federal records, DC-POT’s original founding paperwork was misfiled in a now-defunct classification category known as “Grey-Layer Offices,” which were often used for departments “that didn’t need oversight unless something weird happened.”Because of its ambiguous status, the department was never audited, never reassigned, and never digitized — surviving in a bureaucratic blind spot thanks to:
• Outdated payroll systems
• An HR system that flagged their employees as “retired in advance”
• A single fax machine that auto-responded with “CONFIRMED” to every funding inquiry since 1994
Reaction from Capitol Hill
Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle expressed outrage, confusion, and a surprising level of admiration.“This is the most efficient misuse of federal money I’ve ever seen,” said Senator Marcia Lusk (D-IL). “They literally did nothing and still filled out forms on time. We can work with this.” “We’re not even mad,” added Rep. Troy Dillard (R-FL). “Frankly, I’m thinking about proposing a new department just to study how they survived. DC-POT deserves a Netflix series.” An emergency session of the House Oversight Committee has been scheduled under the title: “Wait… Who Approved This?”
What Now?
The White House has not commented, though an internal memo suggests the administration is considering reassigning the department to a new purpose: coordinating multi-agency responses to emerging technology like AI-generated ethics crises and rogue virtual assistants that apply for Medicare.As of press time, DC-POT staff are still working, still faxing, and have requested only one thing: a functioning water cooler.
“We’re just glad someone noticed,” said Acting Director Nibbins, before turning back to his typewriter and quietly muttering, “Back to work, I guess.”