White House Unveils New Bulletproof Presidential Golf Cart: “The Beast Jr.”
April 10, 2025 Washington D.C.
In a low-key yet heavily secured ceremony on the White House putting green, the Secret Service officially debuted the latest addition to the executive motorcade: a custom-engineered, fully armored presidential golf cart, internally code-named “The Beast Jr.”
Designed for on-course diplomacy, high-security leisure, and short-range emergency relocations (under 12 mph), the $2.1 million vehicle is being hailed as a breakthrough in “tactical recreational mobility.”
According to a leaked procurement memo, the cart was requested under the Presidential Recreational Asset Modernization Initiative (PRAMI), a seldom-invoked clause in the 1974 Federal Golf Comfort and Security Act.
• Level III armor plating capable of withstanding most forms of executive heckling
• Blast-resistant cupholders (tested with Diet Coke and an angry swing)
• Built-in biometric ignition keyed to the President’s Fitbit
• A “stealth drive” mode that reduces engine noise to “gentle sighing”
• Retractable umbrella dome with optional decoy president silhouette
• Emergency button that plays Hail to the Chief and releases a patriotic puff of fog
“If Air Force One is the sky limo, and The Beast is the land tank, then this is the porch rocket,” said Special Agent Ron Decker, head of the Executive Leisure Security Division. A Security Imperative?
White House officials defended the move as “a matter of prudent modernization.”
“Look, we’re not saying the Commander-in-Chief is at risk on the third hole,” said National Security Advisor Tracy Kline, “but if diplomacy ever goes south during a friendly round with foreign leaders, we need a cart that can get him to the snack bar safely and with dignity.”
The cart will replace the previous presidential model — a lightly reinforced Yamaha from the Bush administration, which was reportedly “retired with honor” after getting stuck in a gravel bunker during a 2023 NATO summit at Camp David.
Senator Carl Munson (R-ND) questioned whether the cart could even be considered a “vehicle” under federal spending rules, noting:
“It goes seven miles an hour and costs more than a tank of insulin. That’s not transportation. That’s symbolism with wheels.”
Meanwhile, Presidential Golf Cart™ merchandise has quietly begun appearing in the White House gift shop, including $48 keychains, commemorative turf samples, and a bobblehead of the President in reflective shades saying, “Let’s roll — carefully.”
• A Vice Presidential Go-Kart with roll cage and “I Brake for Democracy” bumper sticker
• A Motorcade Golf Marshal Vehicle with flashing lights and constitutional authority
• A remote-controlled decoy cart operated by interns during press-heavy leisure outings
• A classified second cart known only as “Shadow Putter One”
The President has not commented directly on the new cart, though sources say he was heard muttering, “Now this is bipartisanship,” before making a solid 14-foot birdie while under light drone escort.
Designed for on-course diplomacy, high-security leisure, and short-range emergency relocations (under 12 mph), the $2.1 million vehicle is being hailed as a breakthrough in “tactical recreational mobility.”
According to a leaked procurement memo, the cart was requested under the Presidential Recreational Asset Modernization Initiative (PRAMI), a seldom-invoked clause in the 1974 Federal Golf Comfort and Security Act.
Features of the Commander-in-Cart
The vehicle, manufactured by Lockheed-Martin in collaboration with Club Car, boasts features not commonly found in civilian carts, including:• Level III armor plating capable of withstanding most forms of executive heckling
• Blast-resistant cupholders (tested with Diet Coke and an angry swing)
• Built-in biometric ignition keyed to the President’s Fitbit
• A “stealth drive” mode that reduces engine noise to “gentle sighing”
• Retractable umbrella dome with optional decoy president silhouette
• Emergency button that plays Hail to the Chief and releases a patriotic puff of fog
“If Air Force One is the sky limo, and The Beast is the land tank, then this is the porch rocket,” said Special Agent Ron Decker, head of the Executive Leisure Security Division. A Security Imperative?
White House officials defended the move as “a matter of prudent modernization.”
“Look, we’re not saying the Commander-in-Chief is at risk on the third hole,” said National Security Advisor Tracy Kline, “but if diplomacy ever goes south during a friendly round with foreign leaders, we need a cart that can get him to the snack bar safely and with dignity.”
The cart will replace the previous presidential model — a lightly reinforced Yamaha from the Bush administration, which was reportedly “retired with honor” after getting stuck in a gravel bunker during a 2023 NATO summit at Camp David.
Public Reactions: Mixture of Outrage and Merchandising
Critics have called the purchase “unnecessary,” “symbolic of Washington’s spending problem,” and “a really cool idea but still, come on.”Senator Carl Munson (R-ND) questioned whether the cart could even be considered a “vehicle” under federal spending rules, noting:
“It goes seven miles an hour and costs more than a tank of insulin. That’s not transportation. That’s symbolism with wheels.”
Meanwhile, Presidential Golf Cart™ merchandise has quietly begun appearing in the White House gift shop, including $48 keychains, commemorative turf samples, and a bobblehead of the President in reflective shades saying, “Let’s roll — carefully.”
Future Upgrades Already in Discussion
Internal memos suggest this is only the beginning of the Executive Ground Leisure Initiative, which may soon include:• A Vice Presidential Go-Kart with roll cage and “I Brake for Democracy” bumper sticker
• A Motorcade Golf Marshal Vehicle with flashing lights and constitutional authority
• A remote-controlled decoy cart operated by interns during press-heavy leisure outings
• A classified second cart known only as “Shadow Putter One”
The President has not commented directly on the new cart, though sources say he was heard muttering, “Now this is bipartisanship,” before making a solid 14-foot birdie while under light drone escort.