Federal Government to Launch “Department of Vibes” to Regulate National Mood
April 9, 2025 Washington D.C.
In an effort to “stabilize the national emotional wavelength,” the U.S. federal government has announced the creation of a new cabinet-level agency: the Department of Vibes (DoV).
The new department, funded through a bipartisan bill quietly passed at 3:42 a.m. during a congressional “vibe check,” will be tasked with monitoring and managing the overall vibe of the American people — from social media energy to local coffee shop ambience.
“This is about harmony,” said newly appointed Vibe Secretary Zephyr Chillman, speaking at a press conference while seated on a yoga ball. “The country is way too tense right now. There’s too much weird energy. We’re here to vibe-correct.”
The DoV will employ a 5-point “National Vibe Index” (NVI) that fluctuates daily based on trending hashtags, TikTok dances, sports fan behavior, and how many people said “mood” before 10 a.m. on Twitter/X.
If the national vibe drops below 2.5, the department is authorized to deploy emergency measures such as:
• Free incense sticks at post offices
• Temporary ban on “grindset” podcasts
• Surprise three-day weekend
• Compulsory group hug zones in major cities
• An executive order mandating all news be delivered by people in bathrobes for 24 hours
“Sometimes you gotta cleanse the collective aura,” explained Chillman, adjusting his chakra-aligned aviators. “And that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.”
To help track nationwide vibes, the DoV will roll out thousands of Mood Drones™, small, lavender-scented quadcopters programmed to fly around cities assessing energy levels via facial expressions, music volume, and overall shoe choices.
Each drone is equipped with “emotion radar” and an optional mode that softly whispers “you’re doing amazing, sweetie” to commuters who look overwhelmed.
While some citizens have embraced the initiative, posting their personal NVI scores online with pride, others have expressed concern over vibe policing and the potential for mood manipulation.
“What happens when the government says my vibe is off?” asked Angela Fretz, a skeptical barista in Portland. “Do they send me to... re-vibe training?”
Unconfirmed reports suggest that citizens who fail three consecutive monthly vibe audits will be sent to “Vibe Alignment Retreats” in Sedona, Arizona, where they will be fed soup, taught to skateboard, and be assigned a crystal of their choosing.
The DoV is already considering expansion, with pilot programs like:
• "Zen Zones" in airports, where passengers can scream into pillows between TSA and Starbucks
• "Office Vibe Inspectors" — federally trained agents who can shut down toxic work environments by confiscating passive-aggressive Post-Its.
• A “National Vibe Recalibration Day”, where all Americans are encouraged to wear linen and listen to Fleetwood Mac.
The President praised the initiative from his sensory deprivation chamber, stating:
“The economy runs on vibes. Democracy? Also vibes. If the vibes are immaculate, the people shall prosper.”
Until then, the Department urges everyone to hydrate, stretch, and, if possible, just like... chill out.
The new department, funded through a bipartisan bill quietly passed at 3:42 a.m. during a congressional “vibe check,” will be tasked with monitoring and managing the overall vibe of the American people — from social media energy to local coffee shop ambience.
“This is about harmony,” said newly appointed Vibe Secretary Zephyr Chillman, speaking at a press conference while seated on a yoga ball. “The country is way too tense right now. There’s too much weird energy. We’re here to vibe-correct.”
The DoV will employ a 5-point “National Vibe Index” (NVI) that fluctuates daily based on trending hashtags, TikTok dances, sports fan behavior, and how many people said “mood” before 10 a.m. on Twitter/X.
If the national vibe drops below 2.5, the department is authorized to deploy emergency measures such as:
• Free incense sticks at post offices
• Temporary ban on “grindset” podcasts
• Surprise three-day weekend
• Compulsory group hug zones in major cities
• An executive order mandating all news be delivered by people in bathrobes for 24 hours
“Sometimes you gotta cleanse the collective aura,” explained Chillman, adjusting his chakra-aligned aviators. “And that’s exactly what we’re gonna do.”
To help track nationwide vibes, the DoV will roll out thousands of Mood Drones™, small, lavender-scented quadcopters programmed to fly around cities assessing energy levels via facial expressions, music volume, and overall shoe choices.
Each drone is equipped with “emotion radar” and an optional mode that softly whispers “you’re doing amazing, sweetie” to commuters who look overwhelmed.
While some citizens have embraced the initiative, posting their personal NVI scores online with pride, others have expressed concern over vibe policing and the potential for mood manipulation.
“What happens when the government says my vibe is off?” asked Angela Fretz, a skeptical barista in Portland. “Do they send me to... re-vibe training?”
Unconfirmed reports suggest that citizens who fail three consecutive monthly vibe audits will be sent to “Vibe Alignment Retreats” in Sedona, Arizona, where they will be fed soup, taught to skateboard, and be assigned a crystal of their choosing.
The DoV is already considering expansion, with pilot programs like:
• "Zen Zones" in airports, where passengers can scream into pillows between TSA and Starbucks
• "Office Vibe Inspectors" — federally trained agents who can shut down toxic work environments by confiscating passive-aggressive Post-Its.
• A “National Vibe Recalibration Day”, where all Americans are encouraged to wear linen and listen to Fleetwood Mac.
The President praised the initiative from his sensory deprivation chamber, stating:
“The economy runs on vibes. Democracy? Also vibes. If the vibes are immaculate, the people shall prosper.”
Until then, the Department urges everyone to hydrate, stretch, and, if possible, just like... chill out.