In a discovery that has left officials stunned, embarrassed, and mildly impressed, the Government Accountability Office (GAO) has confirmed the existence of a fully staffed, fully funded federal department that has been operating entirely underground — both literally and bureaucratically — for over four decades.

The agency, officially listed in legacy systems as “Department of Contingent Preparedness and Obsolete Technologies” (DC-POT), has been operating out of a forgotten sub-basement beneath the Department of the Interior, surviving off automatic funding increases tied to inflation and “routine appropriations line creep.”

The department was uncovered during a routine GAO audit of duplicate printer toner expenditures, which led investigators to an old freight elevator with a faded sign reading simply: “In Case of Emergency or Fiscal Year Transition.”

“At first we thought it was a janitor's breakroom,” said GAO inspector Haley Yu. “Then we saw the door labeled ‘Deputy Assistant Secretary of Pneumatic Planning’ and we knew we were in deep.”

What Does the Department Do?

According to internal documents, DC-POT was created in 1982 as a Cold War contingency bureau tasked with developing policy frameworks for technological emergencies that had not yet been invented. Examples of their archived projects include:

• “Microwave Diplomacy in the Event of Appliance Uprising”
• “Protocol for Disputes Between Analog and Digital Clocks”
• A 1987 document titled “Responding to Viral Fax Chain Letters: A National Framework”

When auditors entered the department, they found 27 career employees hard at work — still filing paperwork using typewriters and using “carbon paper routing memos,” despite not having internet access since 1998.

“We’ve been submitting budget justifications every year,” said Acting Director Carl Nibbins, who assumed his role after the previous director retired in 2003 and simply handed him a hat labeled ‘AUTHORITY.’ “No one’s ever questioned it. Honestly, we thought we were part of a simulation.” Remarkably, the department has received an average annual budget of $5.6 million, much of which was spent on maintenance of a pneumatic tube system that was never connected to anything and several decades’ worth of canned goods “in case of mainframe collapse.”

How Did This Happen?

According to federal records, DC-POT’s original founding paperwork was misfiled in a now-defunct classification category known as “Grey-Layer Offices,” which were often used for departments “that didn’t need oversight unless something weird happened.”

Because of its ambiguous status, the department was never audited, never reassigned, and never digitized — surviving in a bureaucratic blind spot thanks to:

• Outdated payroll systems
• An HR system that flagged their employees as “retired in advance”
• A single fax machine that auto-responded with “CONFIRMED” to every funding inquiry since 1994

Reaction from Capitol Hill

Lawmakers on both sides of the aisle expressed outrage, confusion, and a surprising level of admiration.

“This is the most efficient misuse of federal money I’ve ever seen,” said Senator Marcia Lusk (D-IL). “They literally did nothing and still filled out forms on time. We can work with this.” “We’re not even mad,” added Rep. Troy Dillard (R-FL). “Frankly, I’m thinking about proposing a new department just to study how they survived. DC-POT deserves a Netflix series.” An emergency session of the House Oversight Committee has been scheduled under the title: “Wait… Who Approved This?”

What Now?

The White House has not commented, though an internal memo suggests the administration is considering reassigning the department to a new purpose: coordinating multi-agency responses to emerging technology like AI-generated ethics crises and rogue virtual assistants that apply for Medicare.

As of press time, DC-POT staff are still working, still faxing, and have requested only one thing: a functioning water cooler.

“We’re just glad someone noticed,” said Acting Director Nibbins, before turning back to his typewriter and quietly muttering, “Back to work, I guess.”

In a stunning display of legislative tunnel vision, a bipartisan subcommittee tasked with drafting federal guidelines for transgender participation in youth sports accidentally zeroed out all federal funding for organized school athletics nationwide — due to what sources are calling “an Excel sorting error and too many hot takes.”

The incident occurred during the 117th meeting of the Federal Task Force on Fairness, Athletics, and Gender Expression in Youth (FTF-FAGEY), which has been meeting biweekly since 2019 and has, until now, produced only a single PowerPoint slide titled “We’ll Get Back To This.”

The funding cut, which totaled $1.3 billion in youth athletic grants, was accidentally embedded in page 842 of the committee’s report titled “Preliminary Considerations on Definitions of Competitive Cohesion.” The report was passed without being read by any of the members — a tradition upheld since the Carter administration.

“We were so focused on making a statement about fairness that we forgot to fund the actual sports,” said Rep. Gil Wymack (R-AR), who co-chaired the subcommittee and once described himself as “a huge fan of compromise and dodgeball.”

What Was Defunded?

The accidental defunding impacts a wide array of programs, including:

• Public school athletic programs in all 50 states

• The National Youth Bocce League (a Department of Agriculture project)

• The Federal Unified Sports Accessibility Grant, which supported inclusive team sports equipment

• A pilot program called “Ball is for All”, which had just launched an adaptive Quidditch league in three rural counties

All of these programs were wiped from the budget after a single ambiguous clause was inserted:

“All non-essential physical youth activities subject to gender-based eligibility disputes shall be suspended until further standardization of competitive norms.”

The clause was originally intended as a placeholder.

Officials Blame “Document Drift”

Federal auditors confirmed the clause was likely pasted from a working Google Doc into a master spreadsheet, then back into Word, where it was formatted in “stealth italics” — a formatting bug known to render entire funding sections legally invisible.

“It’s a classic case of Document Drift,” said OMB spokesperson Cheryl Wen. “Honestly, it’s a miracle this government functions at all.”

Political Fallout: Everyone’s Mad for Different Reasons

Progressives criticized the committee for incompetently penalizing all young athletes, while conservatives accused the committee of trying to “sneak in radical inclusionism through bureaucratic typos.”

Meanwhile, the President issued a statement calling the error “unfortunate,” and blamed it on a “complex interdepartmental coordination misfire,” which sources confirm is code for “we accidentally gave this assignment to unpaid interns again.”

In a rare joint press conference, Senators Josh Hawley and Elizabeth Warren both slammed the decision — for completely opposite reasons — before immediately getting into a shouting match about whether Ultimate Frisbee is a sport or a coastal hobby.

Emergency Replacement Program Proposed: “Let Kids Stand Still”

In response to public backlash, the Department of Education has announced a temporary stopgap initiative: the Stationary Physical Engagement Program (SPEP), which provides funding for:

• Meditative stretching

• Chair-based sports documentaries

• “Competitive Standing” (currently unregulated at the federal level)

• A new online training module called “Becoming Winded: A Virtual Experience”

The White House says they hope to restore real athletic funding “as soon as we can figure out which committee did this and whose cousin they were trying to hire.”

Until then, all youth sports have been federally reclassified as “improvised cardio gatherings with disputed legality.”

Local school districts have been advised to “run in place” until further notice.

In a low-key yet heavily secured ceremony on the White House putting green, the Secret Service officially debuted the latest addition to the executive motorcade: a custom-engineered, fully armored presidential golf cart, internally code-named “The Beast Jr.”

Designed for on-course diplomacy, high-security leisure, and short-range emergency relocations (under 12 mph), the $2.1 million vehicle is being hailed as a breakthrough in “tactical recreational mobility.”

According to a leaked procurement memo, the cart was requested under the Presidential Recreational Asset Modernization Initiative (PRAMI), a seldom-invoked clause in the 1974 Federal Golf Comfort and Security Act.

Features of the Commander-in-Cart

The vehicle, manufactured by Lockheed-Martin in collaboration with Club Car, boasts features not commonly found in civilian carts, including:

• Level III armor plating capable of withstanding most forms of executive heckling

• Blast-resistant cupholders (tested with Diet Coke and an angry swing)

• Built-in biometric ignition keyed to the President’s Fitbit

• A “stealth drive” mode that reduces engine noise to “gentle sighing”

• Retractable umbrella dome with optional decoy president silhouette

• Emergency button that plays Hail to the Chief and releases a patriotic puff of fog

“If Air Force One is the sky limo, and The Beast is the land tank, then this is the porch rocket,” said Special Agent Ron Decker, head of the Executive Leisure Security Division. A Security Imperative?

White House officials defended the move as “a matter of prudent modernization.”

“Look, we’re not saying the Commander-in-Chief is at risk on the third hole,” said National Security Advisor Tracy Kline, “but if diplomacy ever goes south during a friendly round with foreign leaders, we need a cart that can get him to the snack bar safely and with dignity.”

The cart will replace the previous presidential model — a lightly reinforced Yamaha from the Bush administration, which was reportedly “retired with honor” after getting stuck in a gravel bunker during a 2023 NATO summit at Camp David.

Public Reactions: Mixture of Outrage and Merchandising

Critics have called the purchase “unnecessary,” “symbolic of Washington’s spending problem,” and “a really cool idea but still, come on.”

Senator Carl Munson (R-ND) questioned whether the cart could even be considered a “vehicle” under federal spending rules, noting:

“It goes seven miles an hour and costs more than a tank of insulin. That’s not transportation. That’s symbolism with wheels.”

Meanwhile, Presidential Golf Cart™ merchandise has quietly begun appearing in the White House gift shop, including $48 keychains, commemorative turf samples, and a bobblehead of the President in reflective shades saying, “Let’s roll — carefully.”

Future Upgrades Already in Discussion

Internal memos suggest this is only the beginning of the Executive Ground Leisure Initiative, which may soon include:

• A Vice Presidential Go-Kart with roll cage and “I Brake for Democracy” bumper sticker

• A Motorcade Golf Marshal Vehicle with flashing lights and constitutional authority

• A remote-controlled decoy cart operated by interns during press-heavy leisure outings

• A classified second cart known only as “Shadow Putter One”

The President has not commented directly on the new cart, though sources say he was heard muttering, “Now this is bipartisanship,” before making a solid 14-foot birdie while under light drone escort.

In a bold new federal initiative aimed at “revolutionizing road safety and accountability,” the U.S. Department of Transportation (DOT) has announced a pilot program that will employ professional NASCAR drivers to test temporary highway construction zones at racing speeds before they open to the public.

Dubbed “Operation Orange Cone,” the program will launch this summer in North Carolina, Texas, and parts of Ohio — states with both high NASCAR loyalty and a statistically baffling number of "temporary" construction projects that have lasted over 17 years.

According to DOT Secretary Brenda Escobar, the idea is simple: If Kyle Busch can survive the detour, you probably can too.

“We need real data. Simulations are fine, but nothing exposes unsafe merge lanes like a stock car going 147 mph through a half-finished off-ramp,” Escobar said at a press conference held inside a Cracker Barrel parking lot adjacent to I-85.

How It Works

Once a construction zone is “near completion” — defined loosely as “cones present and someone waved vaguely” — a certified NASCAR driver will perform a live-speed run-through of the area using a DOT-liveried race car equipped with sensors, cameras, and an optional foam cowcatcher.

Drivers will be scored on:

• Lane stability

• Cone survivability

• “General vibes” of the work zone

• Number of accidental median launches

If the driver completes the test lap without a crash, evasive maneuver, or roadside barbecue interruption, the site is considered “Federal Race-Ready” and may reopen to civilian traffic.

Public Reaction: Curious, Concerned, Weirdly Enthusiastic

Reactions have ranged from confusion to full-throated support.

“I don’t see how this could possibly go wrong,” said one South Carolina resident while grilling kielbasa next to a roadside traffic barrel. “Frankly, if Dale Jr. says it’s safe, I’d trust that more than a ‘Lane Shift Ahead’ sign drawn in Sharpie.”

A Change.org petition to let drivers “earn hazard pay in Miller Lite points” reached 40,000 signatures in 48 hours.

Some NASCAR drivers have already volunteered for the program, seeing it as a way to “give back” and “see what it’s like driving sober at high speeds.”

“Honestly, some of these on-ramps in Virginia are sketchier than Talladega,” said Joey Logano. “We’re just giving America the inspection it deserves.”

Congressional Concerns

Some lawmakers have expressed skepticism. Senator Patty Hamm (D-WA) called the program “reckless,” adding, “We should be reducing highway speed risks, not testing them for sport.”

In response, DOT officials pointed out that the agency has spent $400 million on road safety studies since 1997 that concluded: “People drive worse when angry, wet, or texting.”

“We think 15 years of reports saying ‘slippery when icy’ is enough,” said Escobar. “It’s time for rubber on asphalt.”

Possible Expansion

If successful, Operation Orange Cone may expand to include:

• “Pothole Drag Trials” — short sprints through untreated pothole zones to determine suspension survivability

• “Traffic Circle Confidence Tests” — NASCAR drivers entering new roundabouts at speed to check signage clarity

• A proposed “Wrong-Way Driver Interception” event, sponsored by Monster Energy and the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA)

The DOT is also in early talks with ESPN8 (“The Ocho”) to televise the testing, with working titles including “Fast Lane: Federal Edition” and “Paving Fury: Government Drift.”

Construction crews nationwide have reportedly begun spray-painting track-style start lines onto recently resurfaced stretches of I-40.

In a move officials are calling “a proactive update to national accountability,” the Department of Homeland Security (DHS) has announced a new federal initiative that will require all U.S. citizens to re-certify their citizenship status once every 10 years by passing a short online quiz covering basic civics, geography, and federal holiday trivia.

The program, known as the Citizenship Verification and Knowledge Renewal Assessment (CVKRA) — pronounced “Civkra,” which officials insist is "not supposed to sound like a Soviet nickname" — is set to roll out in 2026, with a soft launch beginning next January for citizens whose Social Security numbers end in 0.

Homeland Security Secretary Lyndsey Halvorson stated that the goal is “not to punish ignorance, but to celebrate retention.”

“We’re not revoking citizenship. We’re just gently verifying it,” Halvorson said during a press briefing. “In the 21st century, patriotism should be an open-book test.” What’s on the Quiz?

The 20-question multiple-choice quiz will be administered online through MyGovID.gov (formerly a COVID test portal) and must be completed within 60 minutes. Topics include:

Naming at least two branches of government

Identifying the location of the Mississippi River (or swiping near it on a map)

Choosing the correct number of states (with a 2-state margin of error allowed)

Recognizing a real federal holiday vs. one invented by mattress companies

And a bonus question: “What is the purpose of a congressional hearing?” (Wrong answers accepted if funny)

Citizens must score at least 65% to maintain “uninterrupted civic standing.” Those who score below 40% will receive a "Probationary Patriot" badge and be automatically subscribed to a 3-month refresher podcast narrated by Ken Burns and an AI version of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.

The quiz may be retaken once, after which citizens must schedule a 5-minute Zoom call with a DHS intern.

Public Reaction: Mostly Confused, Mildly Concerned

Reaction to the announcement has been swift and wildly varied.

“I’ve been a citizen for 47 years,” said Ohio resident Marcia Denton. “Now I have to prove I still know how many senators we have? I’ve already forgotten how many kids I have.”

TikTok influencers are already jumping on the trend. The hashtag #ReCertifyMeDaddy has garnered over 1.2 million views, mostly from users sharing fake quiz answers and arguing whether Guam counts as “real.”

Meanwhile, conspiracy forums have interpreted the initiative as everything from “a secret FEMA loyalty test” to “the final stage of Real ID.”

Implementation and “Tiered Citizenship Status”

According to internal documents, DHS is considering a tiered rollout based on “civic visibility” — meaning more politically active citizens may be asked to re-certify earlier, as “a symbolic gesture of participatory democracy.” Celebrities, high-profile Twitter users, and HOA board members are expected to be first.

Those who refuse to take the quiz will not lose their citizenship, but may experience what the agency calls “mild administrative drift,” such as slower passport renewals, random TSA quizzes, and receiving their census forms in Wingdings.

Long-Term Vision

DHS officials say the quiz is only the beginning of a “dynamic citizenship framework.” By 2030, plans may include:

• Annual Mini-Refresher Challenges during National Civics Month

• A Citizenship Leaderboard, showing which ZIP codes are “most informed” (and which “could try harder”)

• Integration with federal loyalty apps like FedFit, SnapCensus, and MyLibertyScore

• Possible “civic partner discounts” at participating Arby’s locations

“Being a citizen isn’t a one-time deal,” said Secretary Halvorson. “It’s a lifestyle. And like any lifestyle brand, we want it to have quizzes.”

The White House has yet to comment, though the President was overheard asking aides whether Guam does count as real.